i need to fuckin scream in a fuckin pillow.

im so fuckin sick of alot of shiet.

im sick of getting sick. im sick of chest pains.  im sick of living while my body is shutting down.

someone fucking shoot me in my sleep already.

dammit.

Life.  It’s hard.  But no one said that it would be easy.  Moving out was one of the hardest things I had to do.  And yes, HAD to do.  It wasn’t the easy way out.  No, life is still hella hard.  But I couldn’t let myself stay in an unhealthy environment.  I had to do this for myself.

And now what?  Now, I laugh at those who think they know, but don’t even have a clue about how it is to be in the “real world.”  I laugh at those who think that they are responsible but haven’t paid a bill in their life.  I laugh at those who think that they are independent, but depend on their parents for money.

So now im going to “vent.”  So stop reading now if you don’t wanna hear it.

My life.  Fucking $100 bill in the mail for going into urgent care/emergency room last month.  and now I gotta figure out what I’m gonna eat the next 2 weeks.  Considering that the credit card is maxed out and the savings/checking is negative.  But it could be worse, right?  Whatever.

I wish I could stop breaking down.  But I cant.

Fawking traumatized. 

I’m sick of these flashbacks.

went to the parents because my mom invited me over for dinner.  she had all the food set, candles lit, and sparkling cider. hahhah.  happy early valentines day.  i can always count on her to do all these special things.  i ate the white chocolate out of the chocolate box. MmMmmMmm...

she also put together a book for me with all these memories she wrote down and pictures.  skimmed through it, but when i got back to my place i actually read the things she wrote and looked at all the pictures she added.  teared up.

no matter how much i "grow up," im still gonna be the little girl.  and no matter how much i feel grown up, im gonna always need my mommy.

went home "sick" today.  i felt like i hadda throw up and my stomach hurt.  this is what happens when im hella stressed out---my body starts to eat itself up and break down. 

now herre i am eatting cereal in a protein shake because i dont have milk.  i got sick of bread and peanutbutter.  cause thats all ive been eatting the past couple of weeks.  my parents and sister came over a couple weeks ago.  there was no food.  my dad was all looking for food too cook.  i told him where the bread and peanutbutter was. hahhah.  so we ended up ordering pizza.  i think my mom felt bad for me.  i cant afford to buy food.  its almost payday, but until friday, all i got is the spare change on top of my drawers.  not even enough for a tuesday rubios fish taco.  ::shrug:: anyways, my mom called me to come over yesterday cause she got food for me.  i forgot to return the toilet bowl scrubber that i jacked from one of their bathrooms.  she told me to keep it.  nice!

tight tight budget.  hella bargin shopping.  $300 used to be nothing to me.  now $3 is pushing it.

gotta work on them tax forms now.

Friday=move in day.   I also got pink eye.  Booo.  Not fun.  Except that I get to call in sick tomorrow.  Anyways, im so stubborn because I didnt let anyone help me move my things in.  except when I didn’t know how to get the couch off the top of the van.  But man, im hella proud of my furniture roite now.  Awesome, awesome!  Moved the bed in today.  The past couple nights, ive been sleeping on my couch, which I must add… is HELLA COMFORTABLE.  Yah, everyone whos gonna crash herre is gonna love sleeping on it. Muahhahah! Anyways.  Got the orchid in the living room.  Bought a stand for it too.   Lighted candles, wine glasses, and a bottle of wine on my table.  Nice.  Liking it a lot! no tv. But that’s what my “boom box” is for. Hella old school.  Teenie bop songs.  Yah, you like them too.

But man, this experience has been such an eye opener for me.  I really know that I have the greatest friends in the world.  At times I would always feel alone… like no one was there.  Especially how most of them are couples… so im kinda either the odd one out, or left behind.  But dood… people were there for me when I needed them the most.  Opening their houses up for me… helping me move… I don’t even know how to express how thankful I am to have these people in my life.  I owe them sooo much. 

My parents came over for the first time today.  I was kinda scared because for some reason, I knew that they were just gonna find something to bicker about.  Ugly this, ugly that… why this, why that.  I wanted to have most of the “main” furniture all set up and all, even though there are no decorations on the wall.  I was surprised that they really liked what I had so far.  Expecially the table.  Yah, hella proud of that.  Took me forever to find it cause im hella picky and I want my things REALLY REALLY simple.  Like REALLY SIMPLE.  If theres a small grove on the legs or something, I don’t want it.  So yah.  I am picky.  High maintenance.  Hahhah.

This is gonna be good for me though.  I already know that im hella gonna be struggling the first couple months, but nothing is easy, right?  That’s life.  And its gonna be a hell of a learning experience. 

I didn’t really realize this until someone mentioned to me how I was the youngest out of all the friends, but im usually the first to do things… the first to finish school, the first to get a real job, the first to have a place of my own…

I donno.  Sometimes I grow up too fast. 

But yah.  lots of mixed emotions.  Happy, sad, excited, scared, stressed, freaked out, tired, exhausted…

But at the same time… gotta look forward to hosting them holiday parties, fun parties… how about passion parties?  Hahhaha.  Yah, you all know you want that!

Just gotta keep telling myself to stay strong… and everything is gonna be okhae…